I feel the truth, the theme, the battle cry simultaneously burrowing deep in my soul and bursting through my veins to my skin’s very surface, “Here am I, Lord, send me.” It pulses through my body, hot, loud, fast, waiting for the response, the marching orders. Yet all is quiet. Where are the trumpets? Where is the loud gong of new beginnings, the gun at the starting line? Do you hear me, Lord? I’m ready. What do you want me to do?
Words read long ago creep up, up, up to the top, overpowering my attempts to shove them aside as I sneer at their simplicity.
“Sometimes there is nothing to obey and our only task is to maintain a vital connection with Jesus Christ, seeing that nothing interferes with it.” – Oswald Chambers
Nothing to obey? But I’m ready to go. I’m ready to work, to adopt, to serve, to ______.
Nothing to obey? But I’m available. Things are easier now. My baby is happy. My husband is on the seminary downhill slope (yes, dear friends, it actually exists). It’s go time.
Nothing to obey? But I’m prepared. I’ve read/am reading the books. I’ve had/am having the conversations. I’ve studied/am studying those who have gone before me.
Nothing to obey? But I’m…bored. I’m hungry for the excitement. I’m afraid of missing what He has for me.
There’s the rub.
The answer isn’t in the excitement. Victory is never birthed by fear. The true adventures don’t come to those who grasp for them. They come to those who wait.
Nothing to obey doesn’t mean that I sit here aimless. Nothing to obey means that I see what is in front of me, that I see who is in front of me. I love my husband, I love our son, I love our friends whose role in our life is rich and joyous and grand, and will soon change immensely as we all embark on new phases and dreams. Nothing to obey means that I don’t go looking for the next phase due to discontentment with the phase I find myself in, it means that I pray, I seek, I read, I study, I believe, I know that He will lead. I pause, I breathe, I make the pot of coffee and send the text and host the spontaneous moment. I close my mouth and open my ears and listen. I ignore the phone and lay on the floor and let 8 months of energy and curiosity wrapped up in a tiny boy give kisses and squeal and discover. I put aside my lists and computer desktop covered in stickies and create space to simply dream with my husband about our life together. I research and ask and beg God on behalf of the orphan, the oppressed, the lost, the poor, the undervalued and trust that He will make my path straight and lead me to them, in His timing.
Nothing to obey? I will love the Lord my God. I will love my neighbor. I will wait.
This post was inspired by many things, including: