I used to feel really anxious when I hadn’t written a blog post in a while; I’m not entirely clear on why. Maybe I felt like I people were expecting me to post (which is probably completely untrue and is definitely a poor motivation), or maybe I thought that I was squelching my alleged “gift of writing” by not measuring up to an arbitrary standard of a certain number of words per week. Maybe I just thought that writing was one more thing I should be doing and the lack of its accomplishment meant that I wasn’t measuring up.
None of these reasons are sounding good, sounding right, sounding like Him. And by God’s grace, I’m forgetting all of them.
Instead of feeling lack, I’m realizing I feel full, full in every way. Full with peace, full with vision, full with this baby inside me and full with the portion He has provided me.
I feel happy in setting goals related to writing, or plenty of other things. I feel excited when I meet those goals, thankful that time allowed, and I feel gracious and hopeful when goals go unmet, trusting that there are bigger things in life, that life getting in the way isn’t always a bad thing.
I feel exhilarated, because we are now a licensed foster family who has said “yes!” to our first respite care placement, which is just a few weeks away.
I feel giddy, because Jared and I are heading to Antigua a week from today, a babymoon, fostermoon, life-just-gets-crazier-moon that makes us some combination of speechlessly grateful, overwhelmingly excited and freakishly anticipatory.
I feel helpful as a doTerra Wellness Advocate, constantly discovering ways that essential oils benefit our family and helping others do the same, both experiencing and hearing stories of sickness and pain alleviated, wholeness restored.
I feel so very blessed, cliche as that may be. A husband joyful, a child hilarious, a baby inside growing beautiful, a job purposeful, a slew of dreams and plans and possibilities on the horizon.
God is so good to compel my heart further and further away from the satisfaction found in rising to my own standards. His are so much more beautiful, His are the pieces of the story told in the One Who Became Flesh and Dwelt Among Us. The One whose full deity and full humanity has penetrated my soul anew as I’ve studied 1 John as taught by Jen Wilkin. Christ’s wholeness, His beauty and grace, His light that pierces the darkness, it’s all so much better than any achievement met or unmet, any disappointment or anxiety resulting.
I’m forgetting what lies behind, I’m focused on the fullness He brings. The fullness found in Him, in His Spirit indwelling and grace abounding. I’m forgetting, I’m feeling, I’m full.